Not Falling Apart
by Elibeth-hobbit
Summary: Sirius’s betrayal of Remus. Sirius struggles with guilt, Remus with forgiveness.


Title: Not Falling Apart

Author: Elibeth

Rating: R for swearing and gobs of angst

Warnings: Loads of angst, a bit of non-con, swearing…

Summary: Sirius's betrayal of Remus. Sirius struggles with guilt, Remus with forgiveness.

Disclaimer: If you recognize a name, it does not belong to me.

Sirius Black was in a hell he'd unthinkingly wrought for himself. The worst part was that he'd drawn others into their own personal hells in the process. Remus Lupin, his best friend and lover, was neither of those things anymore. All because Sirius was a complete imbecile and allowed Severus Snape discover that Remus was a werewolf. That pretty much summed up the entire fuck-all shit-hole of a mess that he'd put himself and Remus in.

He lay awake for the fifth night in a row. He barely slept anymore. He just lay in his bed, thinking. Five long nights, four guilt-ridden days ago when Remus walked out of the door to their dormitory with his things and moved in with Frank Longbottom and his mates. The look on James's face when that happened added another layer of blame to Sirius's conscience. Since James and Peter weren't talking to him, all Sirius had for company was his thoughts. Which meant he was stuck living out that night again, again, and again until he thought he would come apart at the seams.

He thought, at first, that he could get over Remus by going out to Hogsmeade at night. He found that the Hogshead was rather indiscriminate about who they served alcohol to. So, Sirius drank all night, and stumbled into Gryffindor tower just in time to see Remus, James, and Peter head for classes. Too drunk to really think about how he must have looked, too wrapped up in his inebriated misery to care, Sirius stumbled to his bed and slept all day. He repeated the venture for three more nights, trying to convince himself that he wasn't falling apart. It didn't work, of course, and soon Sirius gave it up as another fruitless venture.

So Sirius started his collection of sleepless nights and days that blended together. It didn't matter if he slept or not, either way he was often visited with memories of Remus and him. When he was most lonely, it was the times they lay intertwined in bed listening to each other's breathing.

Tonight, however, it was the memory of the night that Sirius convinced Remus to consent to be his lover. He was surprised at how his mind could conjure up every little detail that would twist one more knife into his already guilty heart. Despite the agony such trails of thought afforded him, Sirius allowed his mind to replay the scene.

"_No, Sirius. I've already told you." Remus said, fear etched on his pale features. He tried to push his way past Sirius, to escape the empty classroom that Sirius had chosen for this abortive discussion. But Sirius had other ideas._

"_You have told me no, Remus, but you have not said why." Sirius snuck his hand into Remus's. "__**Why**__ won't you tell me why?" _

_Remus tore his hand away from Sirius's grip and backed away. "You don't want to know why. Not really. But since you're so insistent, I'll tell you." He was angry enough that he was shaking, Sirius noticed, but he was determined to hear Remus out. "The reason why I refuse you every time is because I am protecting myself from you." He held his hand up to forestall the comment he seemed to know was coming out of Sirius's astonished mouth. "Please allow me to finish. You are rash, impulsive, and often fickle. How long have _any_ of your relationships lasted?" Remus sighed and rubbed his eyes with trembling hands. "Sirius, _you_ may be fearless when it comes to playing games, but I have no such luxury. I do not have legions of women _or_ men throwing themselves at me. I just have to take care of myself."_

_Sirius had been wounded even then by that admission. True, he had been in several alarmingly short relationships, and had never been able to stay with one person more than a couple weeks, but he hadn't realized until now that someone would find a problem with that. That person also happened to be the one person he cared about enough to stay with for more than two weeks. In fact, it wasn't too difficult for him to imagine having years with Remus. _

_How was he going to get Remus to trust him? This was the boy who hadn't allowed himself to say more than two words to James, Sirius, or Peter for the first four months of his first year. Remus had perfected staying politely aloof to the point where at times, he did it automatically. Sirius had to make Remus see how earnest he was. He had to convince Remus to trust him even more than he already did._

"_Remus, please listen to me." He could almost see Remus's internal struggle. Finally, Remus lowered himself to a desktop and waited. "Remus, I know that my relationships were complete messes, and I've been pretty fast and free with all of them, but you're different. I mean it!" he cried out when Remus snorted derisively. Seeing that Remus was unfazed, he lost his composure a little bit. "And what about you? You don't cry- you don't seem to care about anyone more than a friend would. Why are you so afraid to love someone? Why-" _

"_Because I can't stand to go through the pain I see you put all those so-called lovers through every time you move on to someone better!" Remus cried, jumping up from his seat. "I refuse to let myself be a doll or toy that you will eventually tire of and discard!" Tears streamed unbidden down his face. Irritated, he dashed them away with his sleeve. "I am _not_ your toy, Sirius Black!"_

_Sirius closed in on Remus, bringing their faces inches apart. "Yeah? Well, tell me this, Remus Lupin. Is that your ghost I see wandering the halls? Are you even really there?" And he grabbed Remus by the hair and kissed him hard, putting into the attempt every ounce of passion he felt for the man. _

Remus had taken him at his word then, which had surprised Sirius. They'd had an uncanny rapport with each other that few at Hogwarts failed to notice. Their love was like the weather on a sunny day; summer-perfect, warm, and consumed by a scorching heat.

Until Sirius told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow.

Until Snape discovered Remus's secret.

Until Remus realized how Sirius had betrayed him.

Sirius remembered Remus's look when he'd walked into the hospital wing that morning. Time had seemed to slow down as Remus looked at Sirius with a mixture of hatred and disgust. He'd ended everything with Sirius that day. _And why shouldn't've he?_ thought Sirius. He'd promised Remus that he'd never hurt him. Well, he'd done worse than that because if Remus had at all managed to harm Snape at all, the Ministry of Magic would have to step in- and put Remus down. _Put him down_ like some common _animal_. They wouldn't see the brilliant young man that he was. No, they'd only see a _beast_. So Sirius understood why Remus never wanted to have anything to do with Sirius again. But that didn't matter when Sirius lay awake at night trying to swallow the overwhelming guilt and trying to sleep.

He needed forgiveness.

*

Remus wanted to fly apart, implode, do _something_ that would make him feel like the world was ending. Because it should. After what happened with Sirius and Snape, the whole cursed _cosmos_ should have reacted. Instead, he was left with an unresolved uneasiness weighing heavily in his chest.

It was all Sirius's fault. _Sirius,_ his heart whispered as he tried his hardest not to scream. He couldn't forgive Sirius so soon. Yet every time Remus saw the man who had once been his lover he found his heart growing weak. Those three days seeing Sirius returning from a night of drinking, listing sideways and completely wretched sliced pretty little accusations of guilt into Remus's soul. He knew that he could end Sirius's suffering. All he had to do was indicate that Sirius was forgiven, and Sirius would be happy again, be beautiful again.

But he couldn't. He had to make Sirius know the pain that he had caused Remus with his indiscretion. The problem was, he didn't know if Sirius was learning his lesson. He would sometimes pass by Sirius in crowed, dark hallways when they were leaving Potions. Through the throng of people, those grey eyes glowed silver with inarticulate guilt and longing. But he continued to avoid being alone with Sirius.

Two weeks after the incident, Remus was leaving Potions. It was the only class he and Sirius had together anymore since Remus switched the times of his other classes. Slughorn, however, was adamant about Remus staying in the class he was in. Remus was struggling to pack his bag and leave before he was late for lunch. Just as he was cramming his last book into his bag, the last student left the room- except for him and Sirius. Remus hurried to the door, but not before he heard a small noise behind him.

"I wish you'd stay," said Sirius softly.

Remus turned around to see him sitting on a desk, fingers twisting themselves into intricate knots in his lap.

"Why should I stay? Why should I even talk to you?" Remus said harshly. He didn't need this. He wasn't ready to forgive Sirius yet. Why did he always have to push?

"I need you, Remus." Oh, the longing in that voice! Remus couldn't bear the tension, the pain in just those four words.

"What?" asked Remus, trying to buy some time before he had to really commit to this conversation.

Sirius took a shuddering breath, and began again. "I n-"

"I heard you say you needed me," Remus snapped, cutting Sirius off. "Now, what's the problem? I can't see anything wrong with your potion that you made today, so it can't be that." Remus was being deliberately obtuse, stalling. _Not yet, not yet. What could you possibly say that could sway me?_

One tiny, perfect tear escaped the corner of Sirius's eye, and fell from his cheek. His expression bleak, he tried one last time, "I just wanted to know if you will ever forgive me." He drew another shaky breath, "I know that there is no apology enough to recall everything that I've done, but this waiting is like falling down a long dark tunnel." His burning eyes met Remus's and held them. "Will it ever change?"

The dam holding back Remus's anger, pain, and indignation burst. "How _dare_ you!" he cried. "Fine!" He grabbed Sirius by the hair and drew him into a vicious kiss. Yanking Sirius's head away, he tore off his shirt and spread his arms. "Take what you want, then! To Hell with what I want, with how I feel! I will be _just fine_!" He started to reach for his belt, but Sirius made a noise of dissent. "What's the matter, Sirius? Don't you want this? Don't you always get what you want?" As he began fumbling with his belt, his mind wondered, _What the hell am I doing?_ But it had gone too far, and Remus's control snapped.

Pants partially undone, he grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and shoved him against the wall. One or both of them were sobbing by now, but neither could stop. Pressing himself against Sirius, Remus invaded his mouth again, rocking his hips into Sirius's just so that Sirius would feel his erection and _know_.

"Do you see what you do to me, Sirius." Remus growled into Sirius's ear. "Even after you destroyed me, destroyed everything I'd built for myself here, you still have power over me. I can't be rid of you." Remus was dimly aware that he was gripping Sirius's hip and shoulder mercilessly tight, but he didn't care. He'd have his say, and Sirius would listen as Remus ravaged his mind and body just to scour away the pain in his own.

"I've been living out that night again and again. But I refuse to fall apart again, so leave your reasons on the bathroom sink because I'm not listening." Suddenly, he felt Sirius's hands grip his shoulders. He stopped his brutal explorations of Sirius's neck and drew back, looking at Sirius. What he saw filled Remus with self-loathing. Sirius's face was a battered mix of longing, hurt, guilt, and shame. And suddenly, Remus knew that Sirius had been pushed too far. That in Remus's desire to inflict pain, he'd somehow forgiven Sirius and yet forgot to end his punishment.

"Stop!" Sirius cried. Perfect tears were gone. Glistening rivulets ran the course of Sirius's cheeks, gathering in the corner of his swollen lips, and falling to the floor. He shook Remus weakly, "Just stop it! I'm sorry! I should have known you'd never forgive me, but you don't have to do _this_!" His body wracked with sobs, he hardly noticed being drawn into Remus's arms. "I get that I need to suffer. I don't deserve anything else. You'll be better off alone at night without me." He noticed where he was and tried to push himself out of Remus's arms, but Remus held him fast.

"Sirius," he whispered brokenly, "Sirus, I fucked up, too. I know that I've been angry at you, but what you don't know is that I've been constantly calling out your name ever since it happened." He pulled back to look into Sirius's eyes, willing him to see that he meant every word. "I didn't that I'd already forgiven you. What I just did, that was wrong- it was fucked up. I'm pretty messed up right now, Sirius, but I'm not sure that I'm going to get better without you."

*

Grey eyes, backlit by hope, bored into Remus's. "Are you sure, Remus?" he whispered. He couldn't believe that after all that had happened, after what had _just_ happened, that Remus had really forgiven him.

Remus rested his head on Sirius's. "Yes, Sirius, I'm sure. And I'm so sorry." And Sirius knew he was forgiven.

~End

Now I can't walk, I can't talk anymore  
Since you walked out the door  
And now I'm stuck living out that night again  
I'm not falling apart

I heard you say you needed me now  
What's the problem I can't see  
You destroyed me, I won't fall apart again  
I'm not falling apart

~Not Falling Apart by Maroon 5

A/N: This was based off the song by Maroon 5 that you see above. For some reason, it just seemed perfect for the aftershock of The Prank. It's incredibly sad and full of pain, but I can't help but see a little hope somewhere in there. ^_^ In other words, this is a songfic. Concrit will save my angsty heart!


End file.
